I grew up in an Indiana town located in the Midwest, and like most of you, in a middle class home with a loving family with a sister and brother, and a slew of pets that romped around our house. And my parents are both still married to each other. Pretty much whatever I wanted I was able to get. A kid couldn’t really ask for more. We carried the name Jehovah’s Witnesses, but were never close enough to God to go to church. My Grandmother found Jesus when I was about 10-11 years old. Told my mother and my mother eventually led the whole family to Christ. A few years after this, I became Spirit filled. I didn’t know that’s what it was called. I just asked Jesus to baptize me in my bed one night because I was too afraid to be in front of all those people. (Although I didn’t know why I had anxiety.) That was my first real spiritual experience from God. And new something changed inside of me… But it was before this time that trauma with the local cults happened. Even though my family is not emotionally connected, the trauma never occurred inside our home, directly from either my parents or siblings. The first time I heard the words, “I love you” was when I was a rebellious senior in high school. My parents grounded me and told me not to destroy the family name. So abuse from an outside source was quite easy. There was never any heart to heart discussions or feelings. Children were seen and not heard. To hide a secret of shame was simple.
My Grandfather was a 32nd degree Freemason from a Masonic Lodge close to us in Indiana. When I would go over to stay the weekend, he would take me out to be ritualized. It was easy to go around Grandma. I thought she was just a very tired Grandma, but in fact he would come home and drug her by putting pills or drugs in ice cream and milk shakes. Then he would take me out at night to different rituals. I became their altar of sacrifice for 13 years. I’m very careful talking about the next information in detail–with what happens in ritual abuse. If there are people who have had trauma in their lives, my information could trigger memories inside of them, or could plant false memories. When someone starts going through memories, there is a curiosity and wanting to know. And that seeking of the dark side can harm more than it can help. I also want you to know that I still maintain much amnesia. I remember about 5% of the things that happened. The other 95% is either too traumatic for my mind to bear, or Jesus has taken the bad and thrown it away so I can concentrate on the light of God and not the horror of my childhood.
There are a few things that I remember… My first encounter that I remember was being raped at 3 years old. In ritual there are multitudes of rapes with men and women involved. Even children with other children. This is quite common. I remember many animals that were sacrificed as well. They acquaint the child with the animal and then kill the animal, telling the child it’s their fault. Then the blood and organs are used in the ritual, painting the child’s body and they are also consumed. It creates guilt, shame and horror in the child’s heart. And is only one way that causes the personality to split. I remember going through lots and lots of electroshock until I passed out. The intense pain causes your personality to split. But this is also how much of child discipline is created. (Electroshock doesn’t leave an outward mark.) I was told that they would kill my mother if I told.
My dog survived being mysteriously poisoned about 3 times. My Grandfather told me that I couldn’t tell. It was “our little secret.” And if you talked, then there would be severe punishment. Or you would watch others that you loved being severely punished. There are many ways to hurt a child with no physical evidence. These few that I’ve mentioned are only verbal. I was wed to demons and Baal. Marriages to Satan are common and frequent. Many mock resurrection ceremonies exist where they place children in coffins alone or with dead bodies, burying them alive for a certain amount of time. And women whom the cult calls “Breeders” are used to abort and sacrifice their pre-term infants. The cult feels there is much power in this, unfortunately. They are geared to the destruction of God’s creation–the destruction of God’s people and His temple. My call was not as a breeder, even though I’ve had 1/2 dozen miscarriages. This I know. My call in the cult was to something higher than this. There were many blood rituals–consuming of blood and human body parts. Lots of drugs and demonized people dancing around the naked child that was tied down in the middle of the stage or a clearing in the dark woods.
I watched and participated in not only animal sacrifice, but also human. I watched adults die as well as children. I watched as their still living bodies were burned in huge fires while people danced around them. And the guilt I carried was that I could not save them. I distinctly remember one ritual where I was tied down naked to an altar in the middle of a stage. The man in the robe anointed me with water and painted my body with animal blood and human excrement. They chanted words I didn’t understand. Then the man rose a dagger over his head to plunge it into my body. I was to be the child sacrifice for that night. He tried with all his weight to push it into me. But the dagger stayed above his head. He tried to thrust it into me again, but again, the dagger would not move from the position above his head. He became frightened, dropped the dagger and stepped backwards. The large group of men behind him ran backwards in fear as well. But something even more supernatural happened at that moment.
A bright beam of white light burst through the dark ceiling and shone on me. The ropes fell from my hands and feet and I sat up and left the altar. Jesus himself stepped in and saved my life. I can’t be sure, but I think that was probably the last time I was used in ritual. My Spirit now belonged to Jesus and I was unable to be used by the cult. I was Holy Blood. Through the little I have shared with you, I want you to know, I was a blessed one. If a child remembers what happens in ritual and starts to talk, then they are sacrificed. The cult cannot have their secrets told. I believe that Jesus himself creates and allows a split personality in order for survival. This way an altered state will hold it and prevent the onset of insanity so full amnesia can take place. The child can then cope with everyday life. Also, by creating alters, the cult’s secrets stay safe. It’s the same examples of amnesia and altered states that happen with war veterans and the flashbacks they encounter when they come off the field.
So what’s my life been like since the abuse has stopped? For most of my life I’ve been afraid of wide open places, or incredibly small spaces, candles, crosses and the dark. I’ve been afraid to go to sleep at night for fear of night terrors, levitation off of my bed, becoming seized and paralyzed / not being able to breathe (suffocation) by something I could not see, having my spirit literally ripped from my body and seeing dark spirits walk in and out of my room. I’ve experienced a great deal of depression, suicidal tendencies, isolation, broken relationships, body memories in almost seizure-like form, disassociation, extreme fear and paranoia, loss of time, faces of old acquaintances becoming strangers & not remembering who they are, loss of memory through most my childhood and even college, out of body experiences (the bad kind), demons manifesting in front of me and through me, double-mindedness and confusion in a simple thought process, and sexual problems and tensions within my marriage.
These are common symptoms from someone who has been through ritual abuse. The thought of death was a great relief. Even though I knew God in my teen years, I fell into depression, drank a lot of alcohol to forget, and did a lot of drugs, plus had many sexual partners. I fell away from God, my family and lived to party. And I was often suicidal. My Grandfather has now passed away. Before he died, he slipped in conversation and told me a couple things which confirmed all my memories. My whole family still does not believe me however, and maintains to this day that I have False Memory Syndrome and they have sided with my perpetrator. They will not speak to me about it. It has become the family secret and they will change the subject if I bring it up. I was never able to hold down a relationship and after 1 1/2 years of marriage, it became a very bitter separation, then divorce.
Through false accusation, a pastor at the church tried to excommunicate me from his church, from other churches and even followed me to my cell groups, telling me I wasn’t allowed to worship there because of the circumstance surrounding my divorce. It filled me with horrible shame! So I stopped going to church for a long season and almost lost my Christian walk. I vowed never to be like the church. My life was sensationalistic and traumatic as I became misunderstood. So I quickly stopped talking about anything and everything, so I wouldn’t create fear in others and cause them to step back from me. The rejection was unbearable. While the Lord directed me through a healing season, the pastor of a different church I started to attend told me I couldn’t give my testimony because, “The church isn’t ready to hear what you have to say.” At this time, I felt I had lost absolutely everything in my life: my husband, home and family. I pushed my friends away because I felt I was an utter failure and it hurt too much to explain what I couldn’t explain. My job suffered and my health totally failed. I wasn’t functioning well and they put me on probation and recommended I become hospitalized. Take some time off. I had an emotional breakdown. I suffered silently and became suicidal.
One day I went home to die. I planned it fully. But the Lord met me before I could act it out. To make a long story short, He told me to choose life and I did. That was when I really decided to choose life and fight for it. Now I teach others how to choose and fight also. I haven’t been able to have children. My infertility specialist, along with the head of UCI Medical Woman’s Infertility, put me through a series of tests; small exploratory surgeries and x-rays found that my cervix is actually larger than my uterus. They said they’ve never seen anything like this and wondered what had happened to me. They explained that it wasn’t genetic in any way, but was the result of impact from trauma. If I did conceive, I couldn’t hold the child. My only hope was for 9 months of bed rest with little bathroom privileges.
Understanding the Fight: You must know that this type of abuse is not only physical but also spiritual. My physical abuse ended at about 13 years old, but the spiritual abuse continued until about the age of 27. And still today I get a fair amount of attack. But now I know how to pray against the spirits and covens that come against me. And I can be mindful of any open doors and be sure to close them with the blood. (The right blood.) You may wonder how it is possible since I am a spirit-filled believer that I could receive so much torment after I was saved and the physical abuse stopped? After all, my spirit belonged to Jesus. There is a Greek verb for Demonization (daimonidzomai): “To be demonized”. This does happen to believers, whose soul (mind, will or emotions) can be demonically harassed in many ways and with varying degrees of torment.
After all, the Bible says we battle the flesh and not the spirit: (Ephesians 6:12-3): “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armour of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.” Such attacks from demons find effect, due to intensified, wearying of personal trials. Open doors can be created and a weary warrior may grasp the battle instead of grasping the Glory of God. (2 Cor 12:7) Paul writes: “And lest I should be exalted above measure by the abundance of the revelations, a thorn in the flesh was given to me, a messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I be exalted above measure.” Due to one’s being deceived (1 Tim 4: 1-2): “Now the Spirit expressly says that in latter times some will depart from the faith, giving heed to deceiving spirits and doctrines of demons.” (An SRA has alter- ego parts that may still contain legion with the enemy unknown to that person.)
Through a person being broken down by lies of the Enemy (2 Cor. 10:4-6): “For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ, and being ready to punish all disobedience when your obedience is fulfilled.” This means that strongholds are first established in the mind; that is why we are to take every thought captive. Behind a stronghold is a lie, behind every lie is fear and behind fear is an idol. Fear promotes control or lack of control. These roots will grow and will lead to open doors for darkness to enter. Idols are established wherever there exists a failure to trust in the provisions of God that are ours through Jesus Christ. Or by one’s repeated engagement in sinful activity (Eph. 4:27): “nor give place to the devil.” After deliverance has taken place there is a season of inner healing or removing of the graveclothes. More Kingdom work has to be done with the personality fragmentation. Programs need to be broken down as well at the internal grid system rebuilt in Christ (or where their alter ego states of mind are in relating to the real Jesus). I say the “Real” Jesus because many “false” Jesus are used within ritual to ensure that person will never come to Christ.
Full Deliverance: After my failed suicide attempt I started praying avidly for Jesus to deliver me. I knew that Jesus was all things and if there was any hope for survival, then Jesus would have to do it. Many prophetic people came through town and prayed for me. I went through all kinds of manifestations (crowds gathered) and much of it I never remembered because my conscious mind would black out. One day (6 years ago) the Lord took me through a deliverance that was filled with the Glory of God, and no manifestations. And that was the first time I knew I was really free.
My life became radically different and people started noticing that I was changed somehow. Fruit from the deliverance: 6,000 alter personalities were healed and able to integrate (at least this many personalities are quite common). My appetite increased and I could taste food with much more flavor. I started singing–I would never be caught doing this before! And I was filled with worship for the first time. My breathing patterns changed. I became much more peaceful–I felt like a 50 pound weight had been removed & I was filled with joy for the first time. I had no more fear. My sensitivity in the gifts increased. I could hear. Before, my mind was clouded with a lot of noise. I disassociated much less; now I call it a bad habit. I now love the cross. Before, I couldn’t be in the same room without being very bothered. I don’t trigger into memories or body memories. If I have a memory, I recognize it without having a seizure. I can pray using the Blood of Jesus; before, I couldn’t. I am now able to love and trust. The depression completely broke. I can sleep through the night and not get harassed. I don’t wake up at 12am and 3am on the dot–I did this for all of my life every single night! And I remarried my ex-husband after 6 1/2 years of being separated and divorced… and we have a wonderful marriage. This October, we will celebrate 6 years of marriage. It was totally God. I still have problems with D.I.D./MPD (or dissociative disorder/multiple personality disorder) and PTSD (or post traumatic stress disorder.) I still have alter personalities popping up. And the very core of my person is also still separated and divided. But I’m more functional than I’ve ever been, I am currently holding down 2 new businesses (mine).
I work freelance and am on 2 active ministry teams–one that I lead for healing and intercession and the other where I counsel with people like myself in my spare time. And I can now make a marriage work. I am set free! That feels so good to say that! There are not many around that really understand and know how to work with alters or the core person of someone and bring them into integration. Jesus has taught me how to work with my own alters. I have learned how to survive by what the Lord has taught me personally, with spiritual counselling, with psychologists teaching me how the mind works, and words of wisdom from intercessors that surround me. No one can get through this totally alone. Everything is a process and is worked out in God’s timing, not man’s. It’s irrelevant how long the process takes. Through the Grace of God and his profound love I’m being healed. Now I teach others how to survive their lives. I teach and work with regular everyday people, pastors, SRAs and psychologists on how to work with other trauma survivors and SRA survivors for integration, wholeness, and removing the graveclothes. In Luke 17: 12:19 it talks about divine healing. Jesus went into a village and saw 10 lepers. He told them to “Go and show yourselves to the priests.” So as they went they were cleansed. The nature of some healing is “progressive” as noted in the words, “As they went.” There are a couple lessons here.
- Not all healing is at the moment of prayer. Instant healings are often expected, especially in our “hurry up” society today, whereas this illustrates the healing in process. (John 11: 43-44): “When he had said this, Jesus called in a loud voice, “Lazarus, come out!” The dead man came out, his hands and feet wrapped with strips of linen, and a cloth around his face. Jesus said to them, ‘Take off the grave clothes and let him go.’ “
- The lepers’ obedience to Jesus command is important. “They went in obedience.” When healing is not instantaneous, one ought not to doubt, but find a possible path of obedience.
- Jesus’ directive “Go to the priests” not only indicates his affirmation of the Law (Lev. 13: 1-9) But since the priests were the physicians of that culture, it indicates his approval of persons who have received healings seeing their physicians for confirmation of the healings.
- The Lord heals us slowly for his Kingdom purposes. It takes time to heal broken emotions and it creates a seeking into God–a searching and a crying out, resulting in a deeper understanding and relationship with the Lord. After all, isn’t that what Jesus wants from us? A deeper relationship with him? Slower healing also teaches us how to stay clean. A spirit will always come seeking a clean house. Slow healing is the key to freedom. Luke 11: 26: “Then it goes and takes seven other spirits more wicked than itself, and they go in and live there. And the final condition of that man is worse than the first.” Proverbs 13: “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.” I’m not standing here today so you can cry for me or pity the life that I’ve endured. That would hurt someone like me more than help them. We were born to be survivors for a reason. I’m here today to tell you that there is hope for your friends, clients and congregations. That there is hope for the damaged and broken and there is a life for them beyond the grave. Our work is to receive what God blesses us with. Whether it is by wisdom, revelation, Spiritual encounters, or the work and toil of our hands, our call is to embrace the blessings and the trials and to walk through them. Asking the Lord to teach us what he is trying to show us, to grow us up in His ways, not ours.
L.M., California T124