Four years of therapy had not been able to heal me. During the past 4 years of counselling, several counsellors have told me that my story is one of the worst they have heard. God has clearly told me in a dream I am not to revisit the past, because the devil had a hand in it all and going back can only be dangerous, so I will leave it there. However, I would very much like to share the work God has done, is doing and will continue to do in my life to lead me to healing.

After my time of ministry, nothing could have prepared me for the time afterward. The joy and fulfilment I felt was matched with despair and loneliness I felt as if I was placed in a jar with the lid placed on and me all shaken up! I am different person now and it is unbelievably hard to adjust to. I came across the scripture Romans 12:2: “Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is His good, pleasing and perfect will.” All my life, I have based who I am on the lie of me being blamed for the abuse. However, that is not who I am. In the book 'Gone with the Wind', there is a scene where Rhett rushes to Scarlet while she is quite ill. Her relationship is rocky just now. He says to himself that if she makes one gesture to reach out to him, he will come back to her. She does call out asking for him, (I can't remember if he doesn't hear it or it is not passed on) but she does ask for him--asks for his love. Therefore, she did love him, but Rhett never found out and they never got together. Maybe my Mum has been making gestures to me, but I cannot hear them. What a tragedy if all my life she has been trying to tell me what I've been longing to hear but I've missed it!!

God gave me a vision years ago I have been holding onto; I was reading a book, {a non-Christian book!}, and I got a vision of me wearing a skirt from the olden days--long with many petticoats. The first layers were worn, dirty, and patched, but as each layer was revealed, it was more beautiful until the final layer was golden! God clearly said," One day your life will be like this skirt" In the final stages of my ministry, I saw that skirt, and the final layer was made of golden PATCHES! God was bringing the fragmented parts of me together to make a beautiful life.

It has been three weeks; I am still adjusting to my new self, it has been a wilderness experience. This morning I came across this verse; Hebrews 10:36: "You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what He has promised". One of the amazing things, well two really, was that during the ministry I was not made to go back over the past; and for the first time I was given permission to interact with the personalities. Pure joy! I am off all medications and I believe I was being programmed to harm our Pastor. He more than likely would have been killed and me in jail!

B.H., Australia T112